Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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