He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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