the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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