and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My liver just had a heart attack.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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