wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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