John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Do plants get herpes?
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