Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
