I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
