the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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