so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
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why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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