Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
