You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
