I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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