My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The uberlube is also flammable
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
