my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
