I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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