wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
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Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True strength comes from lack of pants
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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