Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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