I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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