I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
