If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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