just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
