just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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