A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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