Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
