I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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