apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
