any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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