dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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