i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Randomize
