I am puke
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
