the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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