you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
