I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
