drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
