Sry I called you an 8
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
