well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
