I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
