Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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