3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I want a musical about memes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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