i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
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You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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