Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
