Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
