Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
