Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
