She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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