I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
