We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
