today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
