Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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