I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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