I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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