y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
