I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
