Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
