Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
