ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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