alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
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who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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