I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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