So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
