You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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