He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
